Urinating in the open

Nobody in his right mind would call the work I do as a 'White Collared Job'. There frankly is no great rocket science involved in my decision making or some amazing strategy applied on the ground to get things moving. Not once have I relied on Maslow or Porter, au contraire my best teachers have been the pan masala chewing animals I deal with every day. The only knowledge one needs to have to be successful at what I do is call your business counterpart's mother a whore at the right time. The right time usually comes twice a sentence.

There is a certain comfort you know in dealing with a set of people where manners, nicety, sophistication, chivalry, courtesy etc just do not exist in dictionary. At the end of last month, me and my minions sat in the middle of a 30*30 meter park right in the middle of a peaceful residential area; and sipped our choice of poisons. My TSI promptly took out his fireman, and nourished the plants again in the middle of the park. There is a certain sense of liberation when nobody expects you to say 'excuse me' if you bump into anyone or wash your hands before you eat. My friends keep complaining about their jobs not being exciting or challenging or whatever. There are aspects where I am not too thrilled with what I do, but the job rocks. It somehow satisfies all the animalistic urges in me.

There is a magical place in this profession called 'Sadar Bazaar' the purgatory of all the residents sins. A seemingly bottomless dumping ground, the 'Ganga' of sales. I am all set to experience the holy dips taken by the piligrims there. There is bound to be some rush given the end of the quarter.

My stretch in the capital has been extended by another 3 months. I will have to drop the blue collar, and get into an air conditioned office for the next three months in an attempt to design a carrot for the pan masala chewing rabbits in the shops. I am quite sure now that I will find it difficult to sit in a chair all day long, and speak to everyone in a civilised manner. I am just starting to obsess about sales as much as I once did to sets of code on the computer.

There has been a long pending request by a certain 'Beepy' who wanted me to write an entire post on the topic of her choice. The point is some thoughts are not for the public domain. Its not an insurance policy, its just a matter of choice.

Enlightenment

One of the advantages of a live devoid of human contact through extended periods of the day is copious time to philosophize. There have been a million times when I woke up every morning in a INR 285/day hotel room wondering WHY. I thought it was the money, it did feel good to make 150,000 on month one but the need actually was a little higher up Maslow's ladder.

The answer really came when I was popping a super expensive product into rural stores. I crossed launch records for the item quite comfortably by tweaking around the trade scheme. Each time I sold a whole case, I looked behind at myself a month earlier doing my best to push 3 pieces in a store. It was the product people were most skeptical of on Day1. They said it wont sell. It has caught my fancy.

Ideas I had are being received quite favorably. I know I am good at what I do. I have made my target a week ahead of schedule, and now have time to pursue my own pet projects. I will not lie... I would do my job at a pay cut. My boss offered me an expensive call girl & a bottle of Johnnie Walker if I hit my target. I wonder if I should take him up for the offer!!

There were periods in my life when I was seeing life in multi color. The colors unfortunately have narrowed to one. I know I would probably be able to write a great autobiography a few decades down the line, I only wonder if there is a place for me to write a few pages in color.

Yes, the answer to why I do things is glory. The need to hear the drums beat, and soak in the physical feeling of exhillaration. I set my own benchmarks, I like surpassing my expectations. My job just gives me a chance to boast to myself every night.

I am a blue collared worker. I have not seen a traffic signal in a long time. I can now cuss in 3 local dialects.

I have a dinner + movie date with my 200 pound pilot. I haven't seen a mirror in three days. I am self obsessed in my own damn way. Just count the number of 'I's.

Blogging to me is a cathartic experience. The outpouring of words lightens the heart, I expected to be putting finger to keyboard a lot more often. It is not the lack of time, it is the lowering of need.

F**K IT

A few priceless (no it actually cost 1500) moments:

Yesterday morning:

Dada: "Yaar I have (free) passes to Elevate. Come down tonight at 2200 to Centre Stage Mall Noida"

Me: "Dada, how much would the total kharch be? I am pretty much screwed both on the credit card & personal front. Salary arrives only on the 29th".

Dada: "See, entry is free. It depends on what you want to have inside"

Me: "(under the assumption of one drink max). Should not be more than 200. Who else is coming?"

Dada: "Singla, Kapoor and a few others".

Me: "Will see ya there at 2200"

End of Scene 1

Last evening:

Me: "Oye, am done with work. Will get there by 2200. Pl be there on time."

Dada: "Come a little later say by 2230".

Me: "K sure."

End of Scene 2

2230 hrs. Centre Stage Mall Noida:

Me: "Idiot where the F**K are you?"

Dada: "Coming yaar, did not get an auto... coming by rickshaw"

End of Scene 3

2250hrs. Centre Stage Mall Noida:

Me:"Hey long time dada etc etc" (same was reciprocated)

(Vinayak & Sukrut also arrive)

Me: "Hey long time guys etc etc" (same was reciprocated)

Me: "Yaar Singla will take another one hour to come. Lets go in & wait for them"

Everyone: "Yeah sure"

End of Scene 4

2300hrs. Centre Stage Mall; Floor 7; Noida:

He-Man in black suit: "Sorry sir, entry is for couples only"

Dada: "But we have complimentary passes given to us by the singer's manager"

He-Man in black suit: "Sir, rules are rules sorry"

Dada: "But, but"

He-Man in black suit bares down, we scram.

Dada is super tensed now. Singla & 4 others are driving down from Gurgaon. They sure aren't going to be too pleased.

Me(on call with Singla): "Dude, this place is too sexy. Second best in Asia. Just awesome come fast"

Singla(super excited): "Coming man just 5 min".

Dada(calls immediately and explains situation): "Yaar, am doing my best" (gets a screaming in return)

Lots of calls & situation analysis follow. 9 MBAs discuss future course of action

End of Scene 5

2330 hrs. Centre Stage Mall; 7th floor, Noida:

Dada(makes a few calls to his contacts & approaches He-Man gang): "You see we are from IIM. We were told this entry is for singles also".

He-Man in black suit concurs with his gang: "Okay then you may go"

You see mere mortals. We are from I I M. Screw you all, who need a member of the fairer sex to get admission. We can get in even without that (evil laugh). We enter.

He-Man at ticket counter: "Since you are all single, your complimentary pass is not valid. You have to pay up"

WTF!!!

Dada: "How much?"

He-Man at ticket counter: "Rs. 13500"

Me: "Are you fucking mad"

Everyone: "Now that we've come all the way... lets go"

I give my worst look to Dada & take out my plastic. Eyes fill with tears as the plastic runs down the machine & my autograph is requested.

End of Scene 6

2345 hrs. Pocket much lighter. Inside Elevate. Center Stage Mall. Floor 7. Noida:

Place is filled with women with very little on. Points to be noted:

• Most women, I mean most of them look so damn bad in minimal clothes


• The ones who look stunning are mostly being paid tonight


• Why do women in their 40s think they are sexy? Seriously why?

Music is quite awesome. The whole damn place looks super (obviously it does, 1500/4 hours = Rs. 375 per hour = Rs. 6.25 per minute DAMN....)

The obviously single nine men use their coupons to get their hands on some poison & start.

End of Scene 7


0030hrs Same Place. 1 bottle down

Thoughts:

1. Should try and sell Freshmatic here. Amazing market full of A+ class consumers.
2. Oh god!! a few hours from now and I will be selling toilet cleaner in the 44 degree heat.
3. How the hell am I going to get by until salary day?
4. Ok there are a total of 6 girls who look good. 250 bucks per girl. Thats too damn much!

Nine single men try to dance. Quite a sight that must have been


0100hrs Same Place. 2 bottles down

Thoughts:

1. Music ain't so bad. Am actually having some fun here.
   
2. The dance floor is actually quite awesome. Wonder if it could vibrate some beer fat away.
3. Screw it dude... you make at least a lakh a month. Money will come & go...
   

Six single men go outside to smoke. I control the urge (applause expected)


0130hrs Same Place. 3 bottles down

Dada is looking at some pretty young thing like a kid craving for chocolate. I feel bad for him & offer consolation.

Me: "Its okay dada, how many people here do you think would clear MANAC I given the chance?"

Dada: "I donno about that, but everybody here is going to have SEX tonight!!"

Point well taken!


0200hrs Same Place. 4 bottles down

Woohooo..... I seriously think I am Elvis Presley. I should try my hand at being a DJ. Just got to mix & match some bloody songs. Can't come close to selling 2 extra pieces of AirWick to a disgruntled retailer whose breath smells like my toilet in Chennai.

Sukrut has some extra coupons. Feel like having a bite. Paid some more money over the coupons ( I seriously don't remember how much) and ordered a pasta. When your head is swimming in lager, hot pasta down your throat is awesome.

The phone buzzes & stupid singla wants to leave.... Just when I was starting to have some fun.

I broke one of my cardinal rules, and let a drunk sujoy drive me back home (whats the point, the autos were drunk anyways).


0900 hrs, Today

I am off to work. Seriously Reckitt Benckiser I must love the job, for coming to work today. Oil rigs are operating in my head & my nose is running fast enough to compete in the olympics.

Its a 'gold' beat today.

As for last night.... as we say in STEX.

Fuck it.

Ek Choti Si Love Story

A few months back, the owner a team who identify themselves with a burning skull shaped helmet; was portrayed on the silver screen in conjunction with a tagline that talked about an extraordinary love story in a seemingly ordinary couple. Mr. Chopra can kiss the marketing executives cause I could see no other reason why the movie justified a single penny.

Mr. KK started his career as a DBSR for a small FMCG firm. He was all of seventeen years old when he started familiarising himself with the exotic sights & sounds of the Delhi marketplace (had Ms. Sarojini Naidu visited the bazaars under the 44 degree heat... her topics of poetry sure would have differed). He was never one to be academically inclined, and learned to master the seemingly innumerable product details that form the portfolio of a FMCG. Now, KK was not too different from the average Indian jobseeker. He hopped jobs whenever an argument arose with his boss, he leveraged his strong local knowledge of the market into building relationships, bought a second hand scooter and brimming with pride drove it all the way to Mathura (the scooter does not cross 40km/hr). KK is what one calls your typical average Indian, with no great ambitions for himself, who accepts his position of relative comfort and is resigned to a life which wont be missed by anyone other that his immediate circle.

If one delves a little into any individual, it is fascinating to note the color that goes into his mental fabric. KK did not have an filmy romance or a fling before tying the knot. He chose the tried and tested 'arranged marriage' option. But, this is where I believe KK stopped being a hue in the background...

One must remember that marriages in India are not sole properties of the two individuals, but the amalgamation of two whole clans at highly intricate levels. KK's family had a tiff with his fiance's & the merger was all set to be called off. KK meanwhile had discovered whole new synergies in his potential alliance, and had 'fallen head over heels in love' with his fiance. On one hand, they were faced with estranged families and on the other a feeling which they never intended to bring onto themselves. This is where KK made his first earth shattering announcement; he would tie the knot her come hell, high water or a few old women.

KK managed to only mark eight notches in his annual educational pole, but hoped for a better half who could cover where he lacked. The fair lady in question was a graduate, and actually held a white collar job. KK focussed his ambitions on the newly formed venture, and enrolled her on a correspondence course whose annual fee is his half yearly salary. He wakes up at 5 every morning, cooks breakfast for his lady love when she steps out of a bath; drops her off at the bus stop and spends the whole hot day dreaming of the time when he would get back home to her.

I have witnessed quite a few stories. There have been passionate romances filled with huge phone bills & fights, a few others have been highly passive with an implicit understanding but outward denial and a few others which have just fizzled into the horizon. I only hope, I love my wife as much two years after I am jailed in matrimony.

Happy anniversary Kamalji. I hope she liked her necklace

The metaphor of the umbilical cord

Its been twenty three years(I feel old) since my cord was severed by a piece of steel. The physical nourishment ended there, and a relationship began. I sit today in a toom tempered by over 20 degrees, with a possible sizeable annuity in the bank account. The annuity payer is sure to demand his pound of flesh which is going to take me all over North India in all its summer glory. Initial indications point towards a taxing period ahead. My concerns lie elsewhere, with the paternal senior looking to fly to the land of the rising sun, and my sunflowerready to look at the land of the eternal sun.

Personal relations have seen the work of the spanner. One can truly appreciate the use of an intrument only when deprived of the privilege of possession. It is true that love downstream is far stronger than the other way around. While the river remained parched for a brief summer, monsoon returned with an invitation to rest my head on her lap.

Sanju tells me the Sensex has hit 15000.

I am all set to celebrate me turning 23 in a crowded taxi through the night.

The uber cool biryani is being cooked at No. 502, Pearl Creek.

A smile doesn't fail to peep out.

I am quite homesick.

The machinations of a new age frankenstein

I am a staunch believer in the practice of longitudinal studies where the same question elicits varied responses, the variable being the age of the protagonist. The question I am talking about is,"What is the worst feeling in the world?".

At some point of time, it was being beaten up by bullies in the playground; the taste of dirt and blood in the mouth which tasted so much better than the humiliation. A little later along the study it was emotional blackmail at home given pathetic performances at the altar of academics. A little more down the line, the feeling of failure at being rejected by institutions of learning so pathetic that one had to transgress rice fields to get to them. We then had a fair but foolish entity spurn well minded advice, and most recently willingly lose what I believed would have been the greatest prize of a man.

Frankenstein recently managed to portray one emotion he never wished to induce in Victor. The feeling of fear when Victor looked at Frankenstein. The monster always managed to hide behind walls which screamed,"Twas the upbringing you see, not me" but walls melt when the only thing you have to hide from is your own love for Victor. The point of time when the monster realized that, it wanted to give Victor everything that was possible relating both to the heart & the wallet; synchronizes perfectly with Victor being scared of its vicinity.

It was this happening that made the tissue underneath the green horns reminisce and realise.... The toughest wars are those that one fights with himself.

Disclaimer

It is hard to be diplomatic about this:

The views expressed in this forum are mine, and are not intended to either advertise or demean, any individual, organization or any other institution in a professional light.

Was asked to put this up by some creatures in black robes.